Ana

**trigger warning-brief mention of self harm and sexual assault**

Hi all! My name is Ana ☺ A huge thank you to the beautiful human Jessica Chang for allowing me to share my story on this platform. I thought I’d share a little bit about myself before you get into some reading. I’m in my early 20’s and am an elementary school teacher, going for my Master’s in Social Emotional Learning. I love working with kiddos more than anything, the beach is my favorite place, I believe the world needs more kindness, music and theatre are beautiful pieces of art that bring me so much joy, and I strongly believe that people need to talk about mental health more and share their stories with those they trust when they’re ready.

Here’s a little bit more about me. I grew up being a very anxious child. Some joked that I was always “on edge” or that I was a “people pleaser” (which was totally true). My anxiety impacted simple daily activities for me and I convinced myself that something was wrong with me. I always hated my overthinking head of mine. The anxious feelings worsened when I got older. When I moved to college, I experienced some not so great times during my junior and senior year. I struggled with depression taking over me at some points, thoughts of self-harm, addiction, an eating disorder, panic attacks, sexual assault, emotional and mental abuse, and much more additional trauma. It can sometimes be hard for me to write out these words, but I always like to use the correct terminology. My friends didn’t know what to do at the time as they watched me slowly suffer more and more each week. I didn’t know what to do. How do you fight these demons inside your head while also battling through certain traumatic experiences? I realized some of these problems and experiences were too big for me to handle. I needed help.  

The main saving grace that helped me was therapy and medication. Two topics that have such a stigma that I was so terrified to even consider them as ways of help. What helped me get into therapy was hearing from other loving family and friends that they went too. That going to get help and sharing what happened to you was normal. I also went through THREE therapists until I found the perfect match for me. I am proud to say I have been consistently going for a year and a half now (since June of 2019) , once a week. I opened up about trauma with a professional I trusted, and she has helped me grow, process, and heal from so much.  I also spoke with my doctor and started medication last September after months of depression, frequent anxiety attacks, and a severe, ugly panic attack which was the breaking point for me. I had this discussion in May of 2019 about possible options with medication but wasn’t comfortable taking it yet. After my most recent panic attack, I knew it was the route I wanted to go in.  I now take Lexapro every night and Xanax (as needed). Some people are afraid medication will turn them into a zombie. For me, my medication helped me find myself and made me enjoy life again. There are so many different types of medications out there, and not everyone will have the same reaction to them- and that’s alright! That’s why it’s so important to have check ups with your doctor and try different ones if needed. You also don’t need to stay on medication forever. I lowered my dosage last month and am hoping to eventually be off of it within the next couple of months.  But in the words of My Crazy Ex Girlfriend, “Antidepressants are so not a big deal!” (I’m a sucker for musical numbers in TV shows). But if you choose not to put a pill in your body, that’s perfectly alright too. There really is no right or wrong answer. It’s YOUR decision. Just do your research and do what’s best for YOU.

The more I shared parts of my story, the more I realized my worth. It felt like the weight on my shoulders was slowly lifting off. I continued to remove people from my life that were no good. I didn’t sugarcoat or defend the different types of abuse I went through. I knew that I mattered, and what happened to me was significant.  I was finally being heard, and I was getting the help and resources I needed. Now, I am not perfect, nor is everyday for me perfect. I have healthier coping skills and thinking techniques, but I still have days and moments. Some days are definitely harder than others. This is why it is so important to have check-ins with your support system. You check in on them, and they check in on you. As someone who works with kids and cares about the friends and family in their life, I always want to raise awareness on mental health and break the stigma. I have a check in with my students everyday. I thank my friends for being in my life quite often and for being there through the not-so-great moments. Continue to share your story and talk about mental health. It will be good for you. I want to end with a powerful quote that resonated with me this year.

“The power of sharing your story is the more you say it, the less of a hold it has on you.” -Oprah